Endless Adventures

I really have a deep desire to be more diligent at recording all our memories. Not only are there too many to have time to record, there is just TOO MUCH going on...period. Some of it good, some of it bad. I usually do well at juggling many things at once, but this season I feel so exhausted all the time, for which there are likely physical reasons. My thyroid, for one, has been very naughty due to my usual post-partum thyroiditis flare. It was so low at last count it was barely even functioning. I have not had a recheck since my dose was adjusted, but I still feel like a slug. Of course, there are thousands of other reasons for me to be tired as well. With all that said, I want to try to capture some thoughts I've had lately about our family.

It's time for me to take a minute, step out of myself, and reflect on what is going on around me. As human tendency is, I get "comfortable" with where I am in my life and things start to take a slide. There are MANY things I see I need to work on in every aspect of my life, but especially as a wife and a mother. Rather than hash out all those feelings on this blog, I will simply talk about my children; my precious, pitiful, beautiful little children.

Our little Carson is such an enigma. This last month we have been to the Sparks Clinic at UAB two different days for developmental testing. Each time they ask us what our goal is for them testing him. I just stare at them blankly for a minute. I mean, our doctor there is the one who suggested it, shouldn't they know? I don't know what to say! They try to lead me with, "Do you want a diagnosis?" and other questions, but that is the only one that comes to mind right now. No, I don't want to use the word "diagnosis". The best answer I could come up with for them was "I want to know how to help him". As a teacher, I am a professional trained how to teach children using techniques to identify and evaluate their best ways of learning information. As a mother, it frustrates me that the teacher in me can't help! I can identify the different ways Carson learns and understands some things. I'm getting there. I just don't know how to discipline him. The help that we need is for ME and Marty, to help us figure out how to correct him, to teach him right from wrong, to show him how to behave around others...we need help! What we are doing right now does not seem to be working. I feel so lost sometimes when it comes to little Carson. Most of the time he does very well, there are just those moments when we need the right method, those times when he loses control and we don't know why, those tantrums that I've read about but never really seen many of in person. I realize now those are the moments I need to be praying the most! But my Little Enigma, my Carson, he is the most precious boy in the universe. He is kind and mostly gentle (likes to wrestle sometimes!), with a sweet, loving little personality. He gives precious hugs and nuzzles in his own little way. He calls us each by name and loves to do whatever we are doing. He's such a big helper, and he loves to help me cook and do laundry and sweep the floor and change Maggie's diaper; he even likes to feed Maggie her baby food! He loves to play ball with us and watch TV with us and he loves to do educational activities like flash cards and drawing; he can even play Wii! Right now he is trying to learn how to write letters. He can make some of the straight ones, like T and I. He can almost write all the letters in his name too! I know that comes from his Nana and PawPaw working with him on it, and for that I am SO thankful. They have more time to do that with him than I do during the week. He seems to be doing so well physically and mentally, and he is pretty social. He loves other people, kids, adults, anyone. He just doesn't seem to know how to talk to us. After going to the clinic, I feel better already about his physical development, which is sometimes masked in his inability to communicate. I finally feel a little more relaxed that he is progressing and doing most everything he should be able to do...except communicate. It's so easy to ask "Why?" but more importantly right now is "How?" Near the end of this month we meet with all the professionals at Sparks who have been involved in this process to discuss their findings. Hopefully, this will give us a very important piece of the puzzle we have been missing, and somewhere, someone we can turn to in order to help us help Carson. He is such a little angel and he deserves the very best we can do for him! I love him SOOOO much!!!!!!

And now our little Maggie Sweetie Pie...she is such a go-getter. She thinks she can do anything we can do, and eat anything we can eat...and more! lol God put such resilience into our human spirit, and this is so evident when I watch my children, especially Maggie. Somewhere along the way we get beat down or let down and we lose some of that spirit, but I truly believe it is born in us. Maggie is such a fighter. She had a rough start in life physically, a nice little break, and then the true tests began. Maggie was born at a very healthy 8lb 7oz with a right clubfoot. She had a plaster cast on her leg up to her hip the day she left the hospital. She didn't mind; she was just a newborn baby, and for 5 months she probably felt it was normal to have something on her leg. We had the grand adventure of soaking and removing that cast every 2 weeks and then having the doctor put on a new one. It was always interesting. And then in August he thought we had done enough. Her foot looked good, the position was great. We went back in 2 months and did her first x-rays, and the foot was turning again. This is common. And also I believe it stayed straight so long because Maggie had trouble gaining weight. For the first few months of her life, she cried alot. No, it did not seem to be connected at all to her foot. It was her tummy. Some say she may have had colic. She probably had too many changes to her formula, which was partially my fault, and I think this led to her having stomach pains. She just wouldn't gain weight much at all, so the doctor sent us to a gastroenterologist at Children's Hospital, a place we are already too familiar with, especially now. They told me to increase the concentration of this formula and not to change it again and come back in another 2 months. Maggie finally starting growing and getting her color back and not fussing so much. It was after this growth spurt that it became evident her foot was turning. Her Achilles tendon was not developed long enough, so we got the bad news that she would need surgery. It was what is called a tenotomy. We had this done at Children's Hospital on New Year's Eve. What a way to ring in the New Year! Maggie, now the mobile little go-getter, was once again confined to a cast up to her hip after being free for so long. But she did exactly what I thought she would do; she worked around it. She drug that cast with her, crawling around everywhere, and stood up on it, tried to even stand on her own and walk! After one cast change (and being put to sleep twice), 5 weeks later she has no more cast! Our new adventure is dealing with the Ponsetti shoes, which are the old-fashioned-looking white leather lace-up shoes, now with a more modern-looking purple metal bar between them to help stretch that foot in position. We just got them last week and are trying to figure out a good schedule and routine for letting her wear them while having breaks with them off too. And we have to stretch her foot in between times, which still seems to really hurt when we do it. The poor thing is probably still sore, but her leg has filled out nicely and I can hardly tell a difference right now. She can even put her foot flat on the floor, which she couldn't do prior to surgery. Tomorrow we go to visit with a physical therapist who will show us exactly what to do to help her leg and foot. We go back to the orthopedic doctor in another 2 months to check her progress. Things are definitely looking up! It makes me sad that Miss Maggie is not walking yet, because if it weren't for all of this she would have walked almost 2 months ago. She really, really wants to, and I know she will when her leg feels better and she gets steady on her feet again. Maggie says "Bring it on and full steam ahead!" I LOVE that little angel too!!!

With all these things going on, the stress mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially can take a toll on us. When I say financially, I don't mean we have any trouble paying for these things, because we don't, we have great insurance, but even then just knowing how much it costs is sickening! Just making sure we watch everything closely, that we are charged correctly, and if anyone out there works with insurance issues like I do at my job, you know what a headache it can be! Keeping up with all these tests and appointments and surgery and copays can be and is exhausting, and just thinking about that stress if I were 80 years old like some of my clients at work...good grief! I am really tired of having to get on the phone and tell people how to do their job!!! (that's what I meant when I said financial stress, not money necessarily). Anyway, it is alot to deal with. I have a wonderful husband and partner to share this adventure with. Sometimes, we just need a break to be "us". I need time to find "me" again and not be overtaken by this machine that has to perform all these daunting tasks...part of being a mommy. I'm saying I don't want to be the machine, I want to be the mommy, the real person! I'm not complaining, I'm BLESSED beyond measure. I love the take on the song saying "Count your blessings, name them TON by TON", that's how I feel. Immeasurably blessed. Amazed that we have the capacity to go through all these things in life and survive. Faith is what keeps us going. But sometimes, we do lose heart. We need to be reminded why we are given these opportunities in life. That's what they are: opportunities; chances to help someone else who might be going through similar circumstances, thoughts, or feelings. I hope that all our stories can and do help someone else out there. And I hope that by writing all this down I can remember how thankful I am for my beautiful babies that are such a blessing and inspiration in my life. I pray for their purpose-driven lives that God will take care of them, give them comfort and peace, and make them stronger for all the things they are already having to face in life. I also pray that He will use me to bring them some of that help, because I sure don't feel very helpful right now. I get discouraged, but God knows how to lift me up. Just look at those smiling faces!