I first want to apologize for not having my Friday Fun post up last week. As you will read, I have had other things on my mind.
I love the word "embarking" because it makes me think of cruises, which is where I wish I was right now! Somewhere south of here, on a tropical island, soaking up the sun, listening to the waves...ahh. But...I'm not. Oh well.
Actually, my new journey is taking me somewhere I have longed to be...HOME. I have officially made the decision to leave my full-time working status so I can spend more time taking care of my family. Not just Carson; my whole family, including myself. I know there are lots of women out there who work with full-time careers, have a marriage, have a nice home, have children, and do it all. I have always been one of those women, one who thought she could have it all. Only I realized recently,
all wasn't all it was cracked up to be. There are parts of that
all that I have finally learned I can live without, or at least want to try to live without.
When Carson was diagnosed with autism in April, I was already feeling run down. Maybe even since I went back to work after Maggie was born last year. By the time I get off work, go pick up the children, get home, unload all the junk, get everyone settled in, cook supper, eat, give baths, fix milks, it's time for bed already. I have no time for cleaning up, doing laundry, or relaxing myself. On the weekends, I am so stressed out having both children by myself while Marty is out farming, while trying to clean up a week's worth of mess in the house, and it just started going downhill from there. I got so exhausted. Mommy needs a break. I don't see how these women do it. I have done it for a while, and it is not good for any of us anymore. We need a break, the kids need a break, the grandparents need a break. This life has become too exhausting. I had to do something.
Carson's diagnosis was not the reason I made the decision, it just made the decision a little more obvious. Knowing that he was going to need therapy gave me the motivation to give up my work life so that I could be with him at therapy. So I could be with him and with Maggie at home. So I could at least stay somewhat caught up on housework, and have more time to devote to cooking special foods for Carson to try, and new foods for us and Maggie to try as well, to try and live a healthier lifestyle.
This is such an opportunity for me. I am still very sad inside about leaving my status here. I have worked at this same job for over 12 years, and I LOVE it. That is rare, I know. My job has been my mission for most of my adult life. I love caring for the needs of senior citizens, finding available help for them, providing activities for them, counseling them about insurance, delivering meals...all of that work has been a dream. I have loved every minute of it. I have learned so much over the years from all the people I have met, from all walks of life. I grew up at this place, with these people. I have been here since I was still living at home with my parents, before I got married! This is like my second family. It is very hard to think about not seeing them 8 hours a day. Sometimes, coming to work can feel like my "break", but then when I have to get busy reality hits! lol
But God told me one day a few months ago that I needed to let go of this place as part of my past. I finally felt that I have a new mission in life: raising my family, advocating for them, and helping others with similar situations. I have spent so many years helping senior citizens, but my own family needs me more! I can apply all these things I have learned about advocating to working for the best life for my children. The second revelation was that God also reminded me of the old cliché: "When one door closes, another one opens". The catalyst is, the door has to close first,
then the other one opens. With my elementary teaching degree, if I ever want to apply for a job, I need to be able to get out there and work for it. That would never be able to happen as long as I'm working full-time elsewhere. I need time to get out and volunteer, substitute, do things in the community, get involved. So my decision has many layers to it.
For now I have decided I will take the rest of summer off. I will take Carson to speech and occupational therapies two days a week. When school starts, if I get Carson into preschool as planned, I will work at my job part-time, indefinitely, while Carson is at school. Fall is open enrollment, which is our busy season at work. I really want to be able to help out, because I know they are going to need the help. And it will help me too, transitioning. But one day in the future, I know I will have to "cut the cord" completely. I have to make peace with that.
This transition is frightening for me, but I am excited at the same time. I look forward to focusing my attention on my family. I think we will all be better for it. It's the right thing for me to do at this moment in time. I thank God for giving me the guidance and the strength and having patience with my doubts. I also know that He will provide for all our needs, because my faith is in Him. I am following His plan as revealed to me so far, and His path will lead me to the right places. I am SO blessed and thankful for it!
Friends and family, I ask for your prayers, support, and advice as we make this transition to me being a new, sort-of-stay-at-home mom. :)
