I consider myself a positive person and I do not like to discuss or write about too much negativity, but for the sake of those out there who need to feel like they are not alone, I need to be real. This is, after all, a blog about our family life, and life is not always positive. As always, I will put my positive spin on it, but I want you to know the reality.
2013 has not been my friend. 2013 has got to go. It has probably been the hardest year of my life. We have had our moments, such as in 2007 when I ran over my cat and had a miscarriage, but the bright spots were our trips, mainly to once-in-a-lifetime Europe! In 2008, Marty lost his long-time "career" job, then another job, he turned 30, he got sick, had to have surgery...but at the end of the year we found out I was pregnant again. It was a happy ending. And we got to take a trip too. But this year, although it does have its bright spots, has been at least as hard and somewhat harder than all that.
2013, it is time for you to go.
Praise the Lord, it just turned midnight, and it is now 2014!!!!!!!
This past year presented with many challenges. It was a year that began with anxiety, uncertainty, and anticipation. Maggie started the year with a cast on her leg. She had surgery (a tenotomy to help keep her clubfoot corrected) one year ago, on New Year's Eve 2012. After a couple of months in a cast, Maggie had a bit of therapy and some adjusting to do. So far her foot is relatively straight, but the future is uncertain.
January also started with several rounds of developmental tests for Carson. We went to the Sparks Clinic and did speech, occupational therapy, and psychological evaluations. Once the end results were discussed, it was determined he did have delays and was recommended for autism testing. In April, we returned to the clinic for that testing and received the dreaded diagnosis that same day. Carson has autism.
This began a tailspin of running to therapies and paperwork and reading books and searching for answers. Desperately trying to find every way possible to help Carson learn and grow. My whole focus of life, my thought process, my priorities changed in that first moment. It changed me in an instant. Even though we already had been having difficulties with Carson and suspected this, it wasn't a great shock, but the process of learning everything we need to know and do to help him was what sent me spiraling. I even became a little bit depressed, which I had not really experienced before. I needed help myself. It was a lot to take in.
Almost immediately, I felt the need to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and leave my full-time job. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I LOVED my job at Commission on Aging. Helping people is what I do, it is my mission in life, and I relish it. But I finally realized that I needed to focus that time and energy on helping my own family. At this time in life they need me much, much more. Running Carson to therapy twice a week, and then to preschool starting in the fall, three times a week, became too much to allow me to continue working full time. So, after almost 13 years, growing up and making lots of memories and many, many smiles, I had to say goodbye to this HUGE part of my life, that had become part of who I was.
I spent the rest of this crazy year feeling lost, trying to find my new identity. I went back to work part-time for the fall, during the busy insurance season, which left me feeling in between two worlds. I wasn't a stay-at-home mom, but I wasn't the same person I used to be either. The whole world felt upside-down. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful blessing just to be able to spend this precious time with my children, to actually watch them and help them grow, but it is the hardest job any person could ever imagine. The changes for them have been difficult as well. Our whole schedule changed, life as they knew it was topsy-turvy, and tempers have run high. I have tried so hard to do better myself, but at times have felt like a complete failure. This is not easy. Don't let anyone tell you it is all sunshine and roses. It is more like screaming and tears and I want to bang my head into a wall sometimes. But it is wonderful to be with them, to be at home, and trying to enjoy every moment, no matter how difficult. We can have a lot of fun too! I love being able to wake up with their smiling little faces and take care of all their needs every day. I love having all this extra time with them I never had before. It has just been a huge adjustment for all of us.
There were several other moments in 2013 that left a bad taste in my mouth:
In May, my "little" brother came home to visit for a while, which was wonderful, but he came to say goodbye for a little while because he was leaving for Okinawa. He is currently stationed there and I have missed him terribly. It was hard knowing we would not be able to see him for a long time. Thank God for technology because we actually do get to see him on our phones! It is still not the same when he is not here to enjoy family dinners and birthday parties. Sadness.
In August, Carson's birthday party I had planned for our friends, as I do every year, turned out to be the first flop. The weather was the worst ever, it was actually COLD and it rained all day! Since we have it outdoors, we cancelled. I never was able to reschedule. Failure.
And to end the year with a bang, for Christmas we got THE FLU. Worst. Christmas. Ever.
This was the first Christmas I have ever missed in my entire life. I have never been so disgusted. I spent 10 days cooped up in the house, trying to take care of myself and everyone else. It was a little scary at times, but everyone endured and survived. I think everyone got cabin fever. We were just lucky it was as mild as it was, and Marty was actually able to help. Once we got well we did have a few "make-up" Christmas dinners. Everyone still got presents. But I have never been so disappointed in all my life as to have missed the 10-Christmas-Dinner Tour we normally go on every year. I missed all of us being together with our wonderful families. Disgust.
So 2013, I thank my God for you, for the challenges you brought me, the life changes you handed me, and just for another year of beautiful life, which is a blessing in itself, but I am beyond thankful to see you go.
As always, I have to say that in all this negativity, I try to look at the bright side of life. God gave us all the strength and determination we needed to make it through all of these things. WE SURVIVED. We all made it out alive and mostly sane and healthy, in the end. We still made a lot of memories with our families and friends. We were still blessed to have all our loved ones with us and enjoy time with all of them. It was not all bad (just most of it).
We got to celebrate Maggie's First Birthday, and the weather was beautiful for that! We actually wore summer clothes and got to play outside.
We took a fun family trip to Chattanooga, where we went to the Tennessee Aquarium and Rock City. It was my first time at Rock City and we had a blast, even though it was exhausting keeping up with Carson!
A good friend of mine had a miracle baby after I think 4 tries. She is precious! She brought a lot of hope and faith into the world.
Marty and I celebrated 10 years of marriage! We took a giant leap of faith and went on a week-long cruise in September, leaving the kids at home with our parents. It was a very hard decision, but after all we had been through earlier in the year, it was the best thing we could have done. We NEEDED to get away, take a break from everything, and get to feeling like ourselves again. I am a strong advocate for taking vacations. Everyone needs a break. It is very important for one's sanity. Some people might try to make you feel selfish. I had to tell myself, don't be a martyr. A person who goes too long without rest, without a break, without recharging, without taking care of their own needs, becomes no good to take care of anyone else. If you can do something that makes you feel like yourself again, that reminds you of your happy side, go to your happy place. Cruising has always been our Happy Place. We love it. And we had an awesome time.
Perhaps too awesome. A month later I found out I brought home a little souvenir I didn't know about. We will be seeing it sometime in June. LOL Yes, I am having another baby! I am shocked, because I cannot believe it even happened. Evidently, God has other plans. This is probably not a decision I would have made on my own (actually, I didn't plan any of my babies!). I worry about all these genetic issues we seem to have, plus I totally have my hands full with the two we already have, and I just quit work, but I know that God is in control and He meant for this to happen for a reason. He has a plan for this baby, because it really is a miracle baby! It is going to be interesting, to say the least. And I am so happy! I love being pregnant and having babies! LOL This is going to be fun. Perhaps the brightest spots of the year.
Last of all, and almost silly to mention, but one of the bright spots that has cheered me up this year has been football season! LOL Of all things, I really enjoy watching football, it is a great escape, but I try not to be one of those people who lives and breathes by it. Sometimes we can get too consumed by these worldly things. But often times sports have a way of echoing life. People can learn many valuable life lessons, by playing sports themselves, and even by just watching others. While Auburn is being called the "Team of Destiny" this year, it is lifting spirits and giving fans a life lesson in never giving up. It is definitely a fitting way to end this difficult year. My team, the underdog, playing for all the marbles, on a wing and a prayer. War Eagle! I don't even care if we win or lose, because the seed was planted either way. One of those little things that God can use to reach people who care about it.
So I know that I have already bid a long-awaited farewell to this crappy year, 2013, but now I want to say "welcome in" 2014! I am SOOOO happy to see you! I hope that we will be the best of friends!
I pray that this year will be much better than the last, that it will bring happy new life to our home. We have made so many strides with our family, and Carson has come so far in therapy. Things are really looking up. I pray that this year will be good to us and all our family and friends. I pray for God's will throughout our journey.
2014, I love the potential you have, to be a year of love and happiness and fun times and memories and victories! Most of all, I love that you give me HOPE.
Happy New Year and God bless us, everyone!!!!!!!!!!
